Scared

Things have been going really well lately.  For nine months it’s been a virtually unremarkable, healthy pregnancy with a conscientious and proactive doctor.  My family and friends have prayed for this baby since they’ve known of his existence.  My daughter is elated to count down the days to his impending birth.

But this morning it hit me… I’m going into the same hospital for the same procedure I almost died from in 2002.  I’d love to say I’m confident – that I am checking in with absolute faith in a timely and routine check out.  But I’m not.  Suddenly fear and sadness have taken over and I can’t stop crying.

I don’t know why suddenly the mood has swung, but I know where it’s coming from.  I have a fabulous little girl.  She is my world.  I have watched her grow into a beautiful young woman with talent and dreams.  She wants to study gymnastics and “Kay-ra-tey” (as she says).  Maybe even take a class in dance (she likes interpretive jazz).  She thinks she’d like to go into the circus to walk on the big rotating ball (a glorified hamster ball in mesh form),  but only if mommy can live and travel with her.  She wants to be married (wants mommy married, too, but that’s a different topic entirely).  She thinks adopting a baby would be a great alternative to labor (already she gets it).  And she is preparing herself for First Grade.

In the forefront of my thoughts this morning is that I don’t want to miss any of it.  If something goes awry with this birth, is my little girl gonna be okay without me?  Is she gonna remember her momma as she grows up and gets to accomplish all the things she hopes to do? 

I know God is in charge.  I know He has a plan for me and my family… and I really hope that plan is to increase…

Marques Yadon is set to enter the world on August 28, 2008.  The operating room is booked for 1 p.m. (which coincidentally is when Chi has to be at First grade orientation).  It’s so easy to expect things to go without a hitch… but what IF?

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